For the past few days I've been thinking about Josh. Josh being the screw-up father of Kelsey, Alliza and Amelia. I think since I saw that letter from Nick,and just how fantastic he is - as if i needed his proof anyway - but since Josh is the only other person I've been with, I can't help but compare. And when I was with Josh, at some point, I must have been happy, no I do remember feeling that he was right for me at some point, but now I'm with Nicky and can look back... how the hell could I have ever been content with him?

I could go off on a long stint about everything he ever did, all the shit he put me through, but I don't particularly want to do that.. might turn into one of those though, ha, we'll see.

Well, from the beginning he was doomed to be a cock.. we were only kids, granted, but when i told him I was pregnant (with Kelsey & Alliza), that was the last I saw of him for eighteen months. I really shouldn't have let him come back in after then, but I did... as far as I could see then, he was trying hard to be their dad, but I really wish I hadn't given him the chance! I really do.

A year after we lost Riley and Taylor, on their first birthday actually, he couldn't be with me. One day out of the year I actually needed him to be by my side, and he "had to work". But it was the first monday in may. Which means May Day. Which means work is closed. But he swore he had an overload of accounts to do (yeah, he's an accountant.. has fucker written all over it, doesn't it? at least he was an accountant. Probably a crooked fucked one, at that..) But yeah, he said he still had to go into his office to do this stuff. While I was left to cry the tears by myself. And of course, he didn't really have work. None at all. He was too busy fucking some little slag. I don't know which one; I'm pretty sure there was more than one.

When we [finally] separated a couple of months after that, I found out he'd been shagging random whores behind my back for a year. At least.

Okay, I was wrong. It has turned into ragging Josh session. But they're always good relief.

Ok, this was maybe a year before we broke up once and for all. I found out he'd got a son he never told me about. He was conceived sometime in his eighteen month disappearing act before returning to me. Calvin Joshua. He's about a year younger than the twins, I think? So I guess it worked as, get one girl knocked up, flee to other side of country, get another girl knocked up, return to original knocked up girl. I didn't learn the existence of Calvin until he was a year old. Or two years old? Gah, I can't remember. Apparently he'd wanted to tell me ever since he'd come back, but "couldn't find the right time". So he put it off for a couple of years until I eventually found out myself by overhearing a phone conversation between him and Emma, the baby's mother. Incidentally, Emma was alright, I talked to her a few times at one point and we got to be pretty friendly. A "fucked over by Josh club" if you like.

Break up #1 happened after finding out about Calvin. Break up #2; you know I can't even remember that one, but I'm pretty sure we did split up for some other reason inbetween. Break up #3, I got pregnant and he didn't believe the baby was his. (it was, by the way.) Break up #4, over and done with, forever.. thank god.

Can't say I never saw him again after that though. In the two or so years since we split up he's tried random stints on me. Not long after we separated, he collected Kelsey and Ally from nursery school without bothering to tell me, so I went to pick them up to find an empty classroom, and to fear that any random insane fucker could have picked them up. He of course, didn't seem to think he'd done anything wrong.

In two years he's probably seen his kids four or five times - maybe two of those, times he actually wanted to see them. I shouldn't say "his kids" anymore. As far as any one is concerned anymore, they're nothing to do with him at all. And as soon as we're married, Nicky is adopting them.

What else? of course there was his stunt this christmas. after not seeing him for about six months, he randomly crashed on our christmas, drunk as fuck, being aggressive and demanding to see his kids. He didn't see them, of course. Nicky ended up with a black eye, and he bust Josh's nose. Quite a stressful christmas day, i must day. ugh.

Not long after we split up he was engaged, and they had a baby together, another boy i think, who must only be four or five months younger than Amelia. I don't know if he ever got married. Although we were engaged too, and i remember excitedly planning the wedding (ugh), now I can never imagine him committing to anyone.

Oh, he never told his fionce about his other children either. We were visiting his parents one day (I tried to stay in touch with them for the kids for a while but it became too difficult. They were always nice though, so I guess it's a shame) when he turned up with his heavily pregnant girlfriend, and he tried to act as if he didn't know me or the kids, didn't want her to know they were his. Ugh. what a bastard. he repulses me. literally makes me sick to think about him.

And I've been doing that too long right now, so I must stop! I don't know what the aim of this was, lol, get more followers for the I-Hate-Josh Foundation, maybe? This is not everything.. this is just the main things, there were a lot of things, a lot of shit he put me through. At the end of the day, I was just a kid. Okay, so from the age of fourteen I had to grow up to a twenty-something year old, but still, I was just a kid. Compared to now, anyway. I've grown up a lot in the last few years. I've had to. (as the "what is your real age" test I took last night suggested, I'm actually 46. haha.. that's very depressing.. I'm older than my mother..). I was only sixteen when I moved out of my mums and we got a flat together. It was a lot to go through for a kid, a lot.

Okay, i'm gonna shut up. He's not worth it!