i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i really truly hate my mother.
don't say i shouldn't say that. i can't help it. & she hates me too.

we aren't going away for the weekend, if you haven't noticed. I am really pissed off today. i've been crying all day. one of those days. & it's only got worse.

I told my mother earlier this week we'd probably be going to the caravan (it's her caravan at the seaside) and she said that was fine.. but today she tells me that Jason and Adele have gone... wtf?! Jason and Adele being my brother and sister in law. I told her WE'D be going. me, nadia, her daughter, and her grandkids, her family. But we come last. I've always come last. And it fucking gets to me. She said "well i didn't think you'd be going in the end" - the FUCK do you know? do you ever ask me? so how do you know what we might or might not being doing?

Ok, so it's not a big deal. this isn't anyway. It's just one more thing in the biggest chain of shit that's been going on way too long. I've said time and time again i'm not putting up with it any longer. I should start listening to myself. I've been through enough. And she just puts me through more and more and more, and makes everything worse.

When I started seeing Nicky, she hated me for at least six months and wouldn't have anything to do with me. I was some kind of whore, and nicky was just the first in a long string of - how did she put it? - "stupid 'things'" that it was unfair of dragging the kids through.

She told me time and time again the kids needed their real father. Their real father, the one that walked out on us time and time again. their real father, the one who never had anything to do with them. their real father, the one who wouldn't give them a penny of his money or a second of his time. their real father, the one who hit them, and me, on more than one occasion. yeah, you heard me. theres something you didn't know. one thing of many hidden away in a dark corner somewhere inside. and there's a lot of them.

Fuck her if she thinks my children should be subjected to that, than have Nicky, who is the best goddamn daddy to them they could ever have, even if i could hand-pick one out of every damn person. Nicky, who is obviously some random fuck object. Yeah, mum, no real future there, is there? Fucking hypocritical bitch.

She has been there for me sometimes I guess. She went to sit with me most days when I sat by Riley and Taylor in the hospital.

Then again, she did tell me it was "a blessing in disguise".
My own mother telling me its a GOOD THING i've just had to watch my two daughters - her granddaughters - become to weak to live. Yeah, I can see that. I'm sure in a few years time we'll all sit round and have a good fucking laugh about how much better it is that I went through that, rather than have my baby girls alive and well with me.

It's one thing when random people you don't really know think it's consoling to tell you shit like that, but from your own mother..

That was the one little thing that made me hate her. I couldn't have anything to do with her for months. I wish I'd kept away. Nothing but fucking aggro all the time. Why can't she just be there for me, she knows how much shit I go through, still, it's not enough for her to be a mother and just be there for her daughter. I feel like I have to prove to her that I'm a good person, look mum, i'm really a good daughter, look, do i deserve your love yet? And I know I don't have anything to prove to her. I know she's a fucking bitch.

But my girls are home today. And I'm glad to have them back. And they are too. It'll only be a couple of weeks before they ask to see their nana again though. sorry kids, i'm afraid not. That's it. game over.