"Zombie" - The Cranberries
one of my favourites...

Another head hangs lowly,
Child is slowly taken.
And the violence caused such silence,
Who are we mistaken?

But you see, it's not me, it's not my family.
In your head, in your head they are fighting,
With their tanks and their bombs,
And their bombs and their guns.
In your head, in your head, they are crying...

In your head, in your head,
Zombie, zombie, zombie,
Hey, hey, hey. What's in your head,
In your head,
Zombie, zombie, zombie?
Hey, hey, hey, hey, oh, dou, dou, dou, dou, dou...

Another mother's breakin',
Heart is taking over.
When the vi'lence causes silence,
We must be mistaken.

It's the same old theme since nineteen-sixteen.
In your head, in your head they're still fighting,
With their tanks and their bombs,
And their bombs and their guns.
In your head, in your head, they are dying...

In your head, in your head,
Zombie, zombie, zombie,
Hey, hey, hey. What's in your head,
In your head,
Zombie, zombie, zombie?
Hey, hey, hey, hey, oh, oh, oh,
Oh, oh, oh, oh, hey, oh, ya, ya-a...

So this is something I didn't want to write about, but it's on my mind now since last night so I may as well! I've just had to try and not think about it; over the past year it's something I've just had to push to the back of my mind. I know there's a lot of things like it, but this is one thing that I can't do anything about no matter how hard i think about it or how much it's on my mind.

I found out last year that Josh's dad was diagnosed with Huntingtons. Which is a horrible disease, I don't wish to go into details, but it doesn't appear until middle age. It's hereditary. And as the gene is always dominant, you can't just be a carrier. If you have the gene you will get the disease. As Josh's dad has the gene - he didn't find out until he started with symptoms - there is a 50% chance for each of the four kids that they might have it.

Now, as far as I know, Josh has inherited the gene from his dad. He told me that. It's likely to be my defence mechanisms putting me into denial but I really don't believe that, and choose to pretend I don't know whether he has it or not. If he hasn't, then we're fine; because the gene cannot skip a generation. But if he has.. then there's a fifty percent chance that each of my kids could get it too.

And since Kelsey and Ally are identical twins, well, they either both have the gene, or they both don't.

If Josh has inherited it from his father, then there is only a 25% chance that none of the girls will have it. I don't like those odds.

I don't think I can get them tested until they're eighteen. I don't think they'll run the tests here on anyone until they're over 18. I don't even know if I would want to know. But not knowing is just as bad. I've got to wait what - 13 years, 16 years, to find out. But to imagine knowing that you've got to live each day of your life, waiting for the smallest sign of the onset of this horrible disease.

The worst thing is, I could actually agree with velvetdreams . You wouldn't want to get involved to know what loomed over your head. But to know my baby girls could face the same fate, it kills me.

It's another reason why I hate Josh. Even though it's not his fault. And I do feel sorry for him, I really do. Although a lot of people have said this could be him getting what he deserves, I can't help but think that no-one deserves that, not even scum of the earth such as himself. To have to watch his dad deteriorate day after day, and to know he's a timebomb ticking away for the same thing to happen to him. It's sickening.

Okay, so there's no point in this entry being here anymore because the cause was deleted. Basically someone said something about her daughter dating the son of two people with mental illnesses. And it struck a chord with me, and a lot of people. Blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda. I don't want to write about it all right now, for a few reasons:

• it's over; she got all defensive and deleted her entry because she couldn't face that we were actually right.
• it's 4:37am and my brain went to bed ages ago without me, so...
• ...the ability to type legibly is long gone. I keep making stupid mistakes. If I didn't correct them as I go along, this would make no sense. At all.

But she said in a response to me, that the mental disability she was speaking of, was one that didn't appear until middle age. That really hit home with me, because as far as I know there's a 50% chance that my girls could have Huntingtons (from their father's side. Josh's dad was diagnosed with it last year, and as far as I know he carries the gene too, therefore a 50/50 chance of each of the girls inheriting it). Just the idea that people will think that because they may or may not have this disease, that they aren't entitled to love, a "normal" life... ughh I don't know what to say about it.

Let me try not to mention any more about it.